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Oy, menopause! That wonderfully insulting initiation into the next phase of womanhood, am I right my radiant ladies? Just when we've gotten the hang of properly microwaving hot flashes and mastering the perfect hair crimper, the universe serves up this outrageous gantlet of hormonal bedlam.
But before we get too far into the mucky trenches, let's address the herd of galloping insecurities likely coursing through your gorgeous noggins right now. Trust me, I've had every one of these panicked thoughts cross my mind from clients:
"Oh god, I'm only in my 40s but the night sweats and mood swings are already unbearable! How do I make it through this hormonal hazing ritual with any dignity intact?"
"My vagina has seriously gone into the desert climate-wise and I'm too mortified to talk about it, even with my partner. Will sex just become a total cringefest from now on?"
"Lately my brain is so bleedin' foggy I can barely string sentences together. And don't get me started on these old lady aches and lost muscle tone! At this rate, I'll be stuck binging Netflix and popping prescription sedatives in a mustard-stained muumuu."
"My moods are utterly unpredictable in a terrifying way. One minute giggling over something ridiculously silly, the next gearing up to burn the whole world down over some trivial nonsense. Is this intense rage and misery just my new norm forever now??"
Breathe, breathe my lovelies! While I can't wave a magic wand and make this daunting physical transition easier, I can share some perfectly profane wisdom gleaned from making it through my own blistering menopause years with (somewhat) more grace than a drunken baboon.
The very first lesson? Menopause is truly different for every single woman on this mortal coil. From onset ages and hormone experiences, to the ups, downs, and sideways loops of symptoms - there's simply no monolithic Experience with a capital E here.
You might be one of the lucky demigods who mostly just zones out on occasional hot flashes before cheeky Mother Nature waves you into your post-menstrual years without much fuss. Or you could end up a hormonal Defcon 1 threat requiring therapist intervention, prescription mood stabilisers, and maybe some light arson to properly express frustrations. Really, it runs the full gamut!
So rather than obsessing over having the "ideal" menopause journey, feel empowered to identify and get ahead of the specific vagaries YOUR body and brain will serve up. Me? I had to mentally gird myself for serious sexual health changes and increased bone/heart risks. Other mates mostly just battled brain fog and thermostat issues. Knowing thine enemy is the first strategic counter-strike!
On that note, let's go full-frontal on a few of those awkward yet prevalent sexual health changes, my fearless vixens. For I know from personal hottie experience that vaginal dryness is no joke! That major drought down under left me avoiding intimacy for months out of sheer discomfort and embarrassment over basically sandpapering my poor hubby.
Trust me when I say that shit is NOT sustainable for anyone's emotional or physical well-being. So my prescription is to embrace lube and vaginal moisturizers with wild abandon! Slather that shizz everywhere, leave a glistening snail trail of it across all surfaces - whatever it takes to reclaim a pleasurable, pain-free sexual experience. Chugging extra water helps too, as does steering clear of potential irritants like douches, soaps, and scratchy undies.
And for those truly in the trenches struggling to realistically get aroused in this crazy hormone limbo, discuss adjusting meds or exploring supplements explicitly designed to help naturally kick libidos back into gear. Whatever your speed, don't suffer in miserably dry, frustrated silence, luv! Break on through to the other side where the mojo still flows.
Ah yes, but what about that potential bone density and heart health lark, eh? As estrogen tanks during menopause, it's not uncommon to start experiencing weak, achy joints and muscles alongside increased cardiovascular risks. Definitely get thee to a doctor for baseline screenings on these fronts. They'll advise which vitamin and mineral supps are essential.
But beyond making nutritional tweaks, I'm a huge proponent of upping physical activity during this prime bone/heart danger zone. Now is actually the PERFECT phase to explore new movement practices that keep you limber and strong while also being kind to your body. My personal preferences were swapping my old punishing HIIT regimen for gentler mat pilates and aerial yoga. Talk about an arealistic arm and pelvic floor workout while feeling elegantly suspended like a beautiful pink jellyfish!
Brisk daily walks and swimming are other low-impact winners for naturally easing menopause aches while keeping your heart and bone density in tiptop shape. And lest we forget the mood-boosting, spiritually centering magic of mobility training - the ultimate two birds, one stone situation! Nothing soothes my tempestuous menopause rage spirals better than flowing through empowering mind-body practices.
Of course, at the end of the day, owning this cyclical transition demands a constant stream of self-compassion and patience. There will still be hormonal peaks and valleys that feel like a savage mauling, despite your best efforts at diet and lifestyle management. And that's OKAY.
On those days where the light seems to dim, the sweats saturate every last thread of clothing, exhaustion reigns, and you're one stray comment away from becoming a murderous fury? BRACE YOURSELF: I'm giving you full permission to cancel obligations, stay horizontal under silken sheets in the cool darkness, eat uncured salty meats directly from the packaging, and watch breezy 80s rom-coms on an indulgent loop. Tomorrow holds the promise of feeling balanced and centered again. Womanhood is a transcendent cycle, not a linear journey after all.
So stay unwavering in your self-love, radiance! You've got an auntie who understands the gloriously messy battle you're waging to come out the other side with grace and saucy dignity fully intact. No menopause hormone cyclone will ever dull your shine, luv. We rise like majestic Phoenix queens from the ashes of our transitional fires.
Hot Flashes of Admiration, Nige
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Oy, menopause! That wonderfully insulting initiation into the next phase of womanhood, am I right my radiant ladies? Just when we've gotten the hang of properly microwaving hot flashes and mastering the perfect hair crimper, the universe serves up this outrageous gantlet of hormonal bedlam.
But before we get too far into the mucky trenches, let's address the herd of galloping insecurities likely coursing through your gorgeous noggins right now. Trust me, I've had every one of these panicked thoughts cross my mind from clients:
"Oh god, I'm only in my 40s but the night sweats and mood swings are already unbearable! How do I make it through this hormonal hazing ritual with any dignity intact?"
"My vagina has seriously gone into the desert climate-wise and I'm too mortified to talk about it, even with my partner. Will sex just become a total cringefest from now on?"
"Lately my brain is so bleedin' foggy I can barely string sentences together. And don't get me started on these old lady aches and lost muscle tone! At this rate, I'll be stuck binging Netflix and popping prescription sedatives in a mustard-stained muumuu."
"My moods are utterly unpredictable in a terrifying way. One minute giggling over something ridiculously silly, the next gearing up to burn the whole world down over some trivial nonsense. Is this intense rage and misery just my new norm forever now??"
Breathe, breathe my lovelies! While I can't wave a magic wand and make this daunting physical transition easier, I can share some perfectly profane wisdom gleaned from making it through my own blistering menopause years with (somewhat) more grace than a drunken baboon.
The very first lesson? Menopause is truly different for every single woman on this mortal coil. From onset ages and hormone experiences, to the ups, downs, and sideways loops of symptoms - there's simply no monolithic Experience with a capital E here.
You might be one of the lucky demigods who mostly just zones out on occasional hot flashes before cheeky Mother Nature waves you into your post-menstrual years without much fuss. Or you could end up a hormonal Defcon 1 threat requiring therapist intervention, prescription mood stabilisers, and maybe some light arson to properly express frustrations. Really, it runs the full gamut!
So rather than obsessing over having the "ideal" menopause journey, feel empowered to identify and get ahead of the specific vagaries YOUR body and brain will serve up. Me? I had to mentally gird myself for serious sexual health changes and increased bone/heart risks. Other mates mostly just battled brain fog and thermostat issues. Knowing thine enemy is the first strategic counter-strike!
On that note, let's go full-frontal on a few of those awkward yet prevalent sexual health changes, my fearless vixens. For I know from personal hottie experience that vaginal dryness is no joke! That major drought down under left me avoiding intimacy for months out of sheer discomfort and embarrassment over basically sandpapering my poor hubby.
Trust me when I say that shit is NOT sustainable for anyone's emotional or physical well-being. So my prescription is to embrace lube and vaginal moisturizers with wild abandon! Slather that shizz everywhere, leave a glistening snail trail of it across all surfaces - whatever it takes to reclaim a pleasurable, pain-free sexual experience. Chugging extra water helps too, as does steering clear of potential irritants like douches, soaps, and scratchy undies.
And for those truly in the trenches struggling to realistically get aroused in this crazy hormone limbo, discuss adjusting meds or exploring supplements explicitly designed to help naturally kick libidos back into gear. Whatever your speed, don't suffer in miserably dry, frustrated silence, luv! Break on through to the other side where the mojo still flows.
Ah yes, but what about that potential bone density and heart health lark, eh? As estrogen tanks during menopause, it's not uncommon to start experiencing weak, achy joints and muscles alongside increased cardiovascular risks. Definitely get thee to a doctor for baseline screenings on these fronts. They'll advise which vitamin and mineral supps are essential.
But beyond making nutritional tweaks, I'm a huge proponent of upping physical activity during this prime bone/heart danger zone. Now is actually the PERFECT phase to explore new movement practices that keep you limber and strong while also being kind to your body. My personal preferences were swapping my old punishing HIIT regimen for gentler mat pilates and aerial yoga. Talk about an arealistic arm and pelvic floor workout while feeling elegantly suspended like a beautiful pink jellyfish!
Brisk daily walks and swimming are other low-impact winners for naturally easing menopause aches while keeping your heart and bone density in tiptop shape. And lest we forget the mood-boosting, spiritually centering magic of mobility training - the ultimate two birds, one stone situation! Nothing soothes my tempestuous menopause rage spirals better than flowing through empowering mind-body practices.
Of course, at the end of the day, owning this cyclical transition demands a constant stream of self-compassion and patience. There will still be hormonal peaks and valleys that feel like a savage mauling, despite your best efforts at diet and lifestyle management. And that's OKAY.
On those days where the light seems to dim, the sweats saturate every last thread of clothing, exhaustion reigns, and you're one stray comment away from becoming a murderous fury? BRACE YOURSELF: I'm giving you full permission to cancel obligations, stay horizontal under silken sheets in the cool darkness, eat uncured salty meats directly from the packaging, and watch breezy 80s rom-coms on an indulgent loop. Tomorrow holds the promise of feeling balanced and centered again. Womanhood is a transcendent cycle, not a linear journey after all.
So stay unwavering in your self-love, radiance! You've got an auntie who understands the gloriously messy battle you're waging to come out the other side with grace and saucy dignity fully intact. No menopause hormone cyclone will ever dull your shine, luv. We rise like majestic Phoenix queens from the ashes of our transitional fires.
Hot Flashes of Admiration, Nige
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